Helvetica Standard
by HolyOrdersOtaku
Summary: Hevitica Standard ! What's a plot? What's it mean to be serious? This fic will answer neither of those questions, as each chapter will follow Team RWBY and friends through day to day activities...with a ridiculous twist of nonsense. No sense is to be made. No connections to other chapters/stories will be made unless they are specifically stated.
1. The Price is Right

Weiss and Blake had left the dorm room for the peace and quiet atmosphere of the campus library so that they might study. However, even for the two most studious members of team RWBY, they were growing bored and impatient with their book work. Weiss would never initiate the break away from studying, however, unless something prompted her. Blake sighed heavily, and this became Weiss's prompt. She glanced up from her notes and saw Blake staring off into nothing, clearly preoccupied. Weiss smiled, ready to expand upon her friendship with the cat faunus. "What's up?" she asked.

Blake glanced over to the heiress before shifting her eyes back to their previous gaze. "Nothing," she answered.

"Really, now? Becuase that sigh sure didn't sound like nothing."

The cat faunus shook her head. "Trust me, Weiss, it's nothing. Nothing is 'up', okay."

It was Weiss's turn to sigh. "Remember what I said about important matters coming up? You can trust your team, which means you can trust me. If you have a problem then it's my duty to help you as a team mate and as a friend."

Blake met Weiss's gaze and sighed once more. "I...I guess I _could _tell you, but I don't know if I'm ready to tell anyone yet."

"Is it bad?" Weiss asked, concerned.

"No, not really. It's just...emotional? I don't know how to describe it vaguely."

"What, you're not in love or something are you?" Blake went stiff and silent. Weiss gasped. "Oh my goodness, you _are_!"

Blake responded by shoving a hand over Weiss's mouth. "Shh! Don't be so loud!" she pleaded.

"But Blake, this is a good thing," Weiss reasoned. "Surely you can tell your friend who you've got your sights set on." Weiss gave an uncharacteristic smirk. "Or are you secretly hiding feelings for me?"

Blake's eyes went wide at the suggestion. "What? No! No! No! No! N. O. Why would you think that?"

"I don't. If you had been harboring feelings for me it would have been obvious. I just felt like teasing is all."

Blake pouted. "That's cruel."

"You've teased others in harsher ways, I'm sure. Now, are you going to tell me or not?" Weiss asked again.

"W-well, I...I don't know...I really don't want anyone to know just yet."

"Come on! Tell you what; I'll give you a million lien if I tell anybody."

Blake blinked. "If anyone else had said that, I would have laughed at the obvious joke...but that's actually well within the realm of possibility for you."

"I'm a woman of my word, Blake," Weiss assured. "If I breath a word to anyone, the money is yours. Of course, I'm your friend so I shouldn't tell anyone anyway, right? What do you have to lose?"

Blake sighed. "Fine." She looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping. "I think I have a thing for Yang," she finally whispered.

"Really?" Weiss deadpanned. "I thought you were going to say something profound, but _Yang_ is your person of interest?"

"What, you mean that's not a surprise to you?"

"Nope. Saw it coming a mile away."

Blake blushed. "What about Yang? Do you think she realizes?"

A lightbulb turned on in Weiss's mind. "Who can say with that blonde brute." She stretched and yawned to imply that she was tired. "How about we head back to the dorm?" Blake nodded and the pair packed up their belongings before leaving the library and making their way back to their shared room.

Upon entering the two girls saw Ruby reading comic books and Yang sprawled over Blake's bed. "Hey guys," she said lazily.

"Why are you laying on my bed?" Blake asked cooly.

"Too tired. Don't wanna climb to my bed."

"Yang," Weiss started with a condescending tone like she was about to give a lecture. Her face, however, morphed into an amused smile as she gestured towards Blake with her right hand. "Did you know that Blake has a crush on you?"

"WHAT!?" every other girl in the room exclaimed. Ruby was shocked, Yang was surprise, but intrigued, and Blake was appalled and furious. Before she could say anything to Weiss, however, Yang pounced on her happily. "That's so cute~! I love you too, kitten!"

"R-really?" Blake asked. Yang nodded energetically. The faunus glanced over at Weiss who was reaching into a bag...

And she pulled out one million lien in paper bills. She strolled over to Blake's nightstand, slammed the money down, and returned to sit on her bed with a triumphant smile on her face.

Blake was dumbstruck, not knowing whether to be thankful, impressed, or pissed.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES**

DONE! So, if you don't know what Helvitica Standard is, its a segment from an anime called Nichijou where anything and everything can happen...and its usually full of ridiculousness. Then again, the whole show is ridiculous. But that's why I like it. So, chapters of this fanfic will be completely random, full of stupidity and sillyness, and most likely full out out of character crap...but its all in good fun, eh? This chapter is based directly off of an actual installment of the Helvitica Standard shorts, but I think I can come up with some unique ones.

Also, for anyone who reads my other fics, like Team RWBY Plays or Ruby the Closet Otaku, my writer's block IS gone...however, its gone in such a way that I can now write for my original stories. I know I've said it a million times, but I'll spell it out here in a more clear way. My original work takes precedence. The level of activity I showed for most of Team RWBY Plays and the other stories was not intended, but a side effect of being out of ideas for my original work. I write for both personal enjoyment and for the chance to get my work out on the market; fanfiction is what I do in the middle of all that when my main focus is going too slow. As such, my activity will be lessened here so I can get what I can done for my original stories. Usually once I run out of ideas again, I'll come rushing back here. I'm not abandoning fanfiction, nor am I taking a break from it, I'm just not focusing on it as much. You can still expect me to upload every so often...but I don't schedule my work. If I did I'd be about as punctual as VG Cats (that joke never gets old for me).

Till next time! :D


	2. What's Your Beef?

Chapter 2: What's Your Beef?

Everyone has life goals, right? Every individual person on Remnant had some kind of goal that they hoped to achieve in their lives. Some wanted to become home owners, some wanted to marry and have children, and others still wanted to graduate school with a degree in the field that they enjoyed. Each person held that goal in a deep place in their hearts. Ruby Rose was no exception. She wanted to be a huntress; this had been her goal every since she was a small child, growing up under the wise tutelage of her mother and her uncle, Qrow.

However, not all goals were _good_ goals. Some goals were anything but good. One could even say that because every human and faunus carried with them a sliver of darkness and evil within their souls, that everyone also harbored dark and treacherous goals. Oh, not all of them are malicious or truly horrid, mind you. But everyone has _that_ goal; it's just a matter of who they are and what that goal may be. Ruby Rose was no exception.

Ruby was a cute, young, well mannered, and respectable girl. Modest, not overly zealous about much but her huntress training, she was the ideal youth. Aside from her hyperactiveness, many parents who saw her could only hope that their children would grow up to be like her. She's polite, usually level headed, lighthearted, and always has a joyous smile upon her gentle lips. But even she was susceptable to evil. Within her heart, a darkness had been forming over the years. She couldn't explain _why_ she wanted to do this thing that she desired. She only understood that it was rude, uncalled for, and that she really, _really_ wanted to do it. And what might that be, you ask?

Why, it's very simple. She had always wanted to passive aggressively insult a vegetarian.

She didn't have anything against vegetarians, but neither did she really understand how someone could forfeit meat. True, Ruby's diet mainly consisted of cookies and cakes, but the red huntress liked chicken legs from time to time. Maybe her sister had rubbed off on her in that regard, but a spicy pork rib, or a well grilled steak simply couldn't be replaced by a bowl of leaves. And thus, her dark goal in life was to insult a vegetarian without directly telling them so.

And as Ruby stood behind Velvet in the sandwich shop, she knew her time had come. Velvet, in line in front of Ruby, was ordering her sandwich. It was on wheat bread with provolone cheese, and it consisted of almost every vegetable under the sun; lettuce, spinach, tomato, onions, peppers, olives, etc. There wasn't an ounce of meat on this concoction of greens. No chicken, no turkey, no ham; not even bacon (praise be unto it)!

Ruby understood her purpose on this day. She casually leaned over Velvet's shoulder to get a better look. "Wow!" she said, gaining the rabbit faunus's attention. "That sure is alot of veggies! It's almost like a salad!"

Velvet turned to Ruby and smiled. She felt that Ruby was her friend, which was true, but her pure and innocent heart couldn't comprehend the level of cruelty that was about to be placed onto her. "Yeah, I prefer vegetables. I don't ever eat meat, actually. I'm a vegetarian."

"I see," Ruby replied, trying to hide her anticipation. The set up was ready; operation M.E.A.T. (Meat Eater's Asshole Tactics) was a go! Ruby was originally going to get a modest sandwich; some turkey, a little cheese, some veggies, etc. The usual, really. Now, with Velvet open for attack before her, she was going to get something far more interesting; the Carnivore! Every meat imaginable was placed in the middle of the bread, and usually some form of cheese and veggies, was to be made into an edible food. On this day, Ruby would order no cheese or veggies.

Her turn came up to order. Velvet was getting her sandwich finished and was about to pay, and Ruby talked loud enough to be heard by Velvet. "I want the Carnivore!" she declared proudly, her face rather smug. Velvet's ears twitched, and the server obeyed as she piled the bread high with meat.

"What kind of cheese?" the server asked.

"None!"

The server nodded. "Toasted?"

"But of course!" Velvet's ears twitched again. Ruby's smile was growing wider.

Velvet was at the register, trying to pay for her food. Her gaze, however, kept shifting to Ruby; her face was expressing what her mouth would not. _Why would you do that?_

The toasted sandwich returned from the toasting machine of toast...usually called a toaster, in fact. The server set the monstrous meat pile down. "Any vegetables?" she asked.

Ruby successfully hid the fact that she wanted to laugh. "No, I think I'm fine!" she said happily. Velvet had paid for her sandwich by now and was attempting to fill her cup with a drink, all the while she glared murderously at the red huntress; she figured out that Ruby was insulting her being a vegetarian. Ruby promptly paid for her sandwich, grabbed a bottle of milk to drink, and walked to a nearby table to eat. On her way she passed Velvet one final time, and she gave the faunus a single polite nod. "See you later, Velvet!" she chimed as she sat down and began to gorge herself into this pile of cooked animal carcass.

Velvet was obviously upset, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything. She quietly stormed out of the shop, returning the parting phrase that Ruby had given her, but inside she was absolutely livid.

Ruby would have to apologize to her later, should the need arise. But right now? All she could think about was how much more delicious the sandwich tasted, knowing that she had pissed off a vegetarian. "It's going to be a good day," she said with a mouthful of food.

* * *

**Author's Note**

This chapter. Is it too weird and out there? Does it seem unrealistic, even knowing that these stories are supposed to be weird as hell? Here's the kicker.

This. Story. Is. **TRUE**.

I did this, and I am sorry to anyone who is a vegetarian. I was at the foodcourt, eating at a place called Mondo Subs (its like Subway), and the girl in front of me was a vegetarian. I don't know why, but I thought it was a good idea to piss her off without actually saying a word to her; so I ordered the sandwich with 4 or 5 different meats on it (i even added bacon, praise be unto it, for good measure.) Make no mistake: she was pissed at me. I could feel her murderous desires creeping over me. By far, one of my favorite days in my life. 10/10, would go back and do again.

Not to say being a vegetarian is bad. It's food. Eat what you want people. But I somehow knew that she would be butthurt about it, and that's what made me do it. It's fun. Try it sometime.

Still writing "The Longest Night", btw. I'm sorry, if you read that story. I am so sorry. It...it's a farcry from anything else I have ever written. In many ways.

Till next time! :D


	3. I Honestly Believe You Can Be Too Honest

Chapter 3: I Honestly Believe You Can Be Too Honest

A.K.A.: _The Adventures of Professor Port_

* * *

_Oh boy_, Yang thought dryly. _My _favorite_ class of all time._ She sat at her desk, watching Professor Port teach the lesson...properly. _Give him time_, she thought. _He'll derail and start telling us about how he hunted some amazing creature._

"So you see, class, that _this_ is the proper identifying markers for this species of Grimm," Port explained. "Which reminds me, I once hunted a very rare, and magnificent beast! I met a man who told me..."

_There it is_, Yang thought, and everyone in the room held the same depressed expression. They'd heard these stories a million times in a single semester. Yang wasn't particularly good at math, and she was sure that her estimation was most likely off...but not by much.

"...the bounty that I was given said that if it was a cow or a bear it would count, but I wouldn't get the full price unless I brought..."

What was he even talking about. Nothing he was saying made a lick of sense. Was that even a real thing? It couldn't possibly be a real thing. It sounded so fake that even Ruby, what with her love of fairy tales, would most likely fall asleep from hearing this story.

"...and there I was, in the middle of a city full of litter, surrounded by cows and bears..."

Yang was fighting the urge to fall asleep. One of the bad perks with having your seat assigned to you in a class is the possibility of being placed in the front row; Yang was in the seat _directly_ in front of Port. She doubted that it was a coincidence. The man winked at her almost on a daily basis. Disturbed the hell out of her.

"...with the help of the King of the Cosmos, I searched high and low until I found the beast! There it stood, angry paws spread open to attack, and I only had..."

_Kill me. Just kill me and be done with it. I don't deserve this torture!_ Yang screamed inwardly. She glanced at the clock; he had ten minutes. There was no way he could tell the whole story in ten minutes.

"At long last, after almost running out of time, which was about thirty minutes, I slew the great CowBear and created a star to fill the void of the cosmos!" Port stood proudly in front of his class as he finished the story; none of them had a clue as to what he was talking about. He glanced at the clock, somewhat surprised at himself for finishing one of his _heroic_ tales. "Ah, we seem to have a little time left. Does anyone have any questions?"

_Thank God! He's not going to start another story!_ Yang sighed in relief.

"I got a question!" cried the energetic Nora, standing up from her seated position. "Mr. Port; if your such an amazing huntsmen, why did you decide to become a teacher at Beacon?"

Yang could have sworn she saw a sparkle in his eyes and his mustache twitch to form a sort of smile, before he balled his right fist and yelled, "Because I like schoolgirls, that's why!"

Silence. Nora's energetic smile vanished. Yang's look of confusion slowly morphed into the visage of horror. Weiss's jaw dropped, and Blake placed her fingers on the bridge of her nose as she shook her head. Ruby was at a complete loss for words. Everyone was at a loss for words actually.

The bell rang.

Port spoke nervously. "W-well, I suppose we'll begin again tomorrow." He clearly didn't mean to blurt out his answer to Nora's question.

Everyone shuffled out of Port's classroom, unsure of what had just transpired. It was lunch now, so everyone went straight to the cafeteria. Teams RWBY, JNPR, and CFVY all sat relatively close together, and CRDL was about to seat themselves not too far from CFVY.

Ruby coughed nervously. "You, uh, think we should call the police?"

"Why?" Pyrrha asked.

"What if he's a sex offender?" Ruby whispered.

"I wasn't expecting that kind of answer," Nora stated.

Yang shuddered. "He...he's been winking at me since the start of the school year. I suddenly feel very unclean."

"Agreed," Weiss stated. "And I actually _like_ Professor Port's class. I wonder why he would even admit to that."

"It _is_ a bit creepy," Blake agreed.

"You're wrong!" came a loud voice. They all turned to see CRDL approaching them. Cardin stepped forward. "Port's honesty was superb! It was a sight to behold! We should all be so true with ourselves!"

Ruby was about to respond before she noticed something glisten on Cardin's cheek. "Are...are you _crying_, Cardin?"

"He was an inspiration to the men of the class! To truly be yourself; that is freedom!" He spread his arms wide to gesticulate his emphasis on the word 'freedom'. "I learned a valuable lesson from Professor Port today, and now I must be honest with everyone! I've been lying since day one!"

"Uh," Ruby looked around at her team mates. "Where is this coming from?" They all shrugged. _Who knows_, they all seemed to say.

"I must confess; I _never_ hated faunus! I'm not really racist at all! One of my childhood friends was a dog faunus." Velvet's ears twitched; she was now confused and curious. "I only bullied Velvet because...because..."

Cardin sprinted over to Velvet's seat and knelt down on one knee. "Velvet, I'm in love you."

"What!?" Velvet cried.

"Excuse me?" Weiss asked.

"Oh. My. God!" Ruby blurted.

"This can't be happening," Blake said, sounding almost bored. "Why, oh _why_ is this a thing?"

Velvet's face was beat red. "W-w-w-what was all the bullying for?"

Cardin's face turned equally red."I get nervous! I don't know what to do! I just kind of started doing that because...I dunno. I'm an idiot?"

"I can agree to that," Blake muttered.

"Velvet, will you go out with me?" Cardin asked.

Velvet looked like a deer in the headlights. She looked around to all of her friends. _What should I do?_ she seemed to be asking. "I...I..." She stood up and bolted for the door. "I don't understand what's going on!"

"Velvet, my love! Come back!" Cardin gave chase.

Yang sighed. "Kill me. Just kill me and get it over with." This was not her day.

* * *

**Author's Note**

I was at work today and I had **SEVERAL** random ideas for this misc. collection of stupid RWBY stories. Say hello to part 1 of a 3 part story within the Helvitica Standard.

It's dumb.

It's kinda meant to be dumb.

I'm so sorry that its so dumb.

It's so dumb that it hurts.

Bonus points if you can name the two references that I intended. One is a video game, the other is an anime.

Next time: The Adventures of Professor Port 2: The Return of Professor Port!

Till next time. :D


	4. Cutting Board Justice

Chapter 4: Cutting Board Justice

Mildly related to _Ruby the Closet Otaku_

* * *

It finally happened. Ruby had convinced her entire team to watch an anime series from start to finish. It was an incredible sight to behold. Each of them sitting still, laughing at the hilarious parts and tensing up during the fight scenes. She sincerely wished that they had done this sooner. She knew Weiss would like it, to an extent, but she was absolutely _thrilled_ when Blake and Yang stated that the show was amazing.

So, Ruby decided to surprise her black and yellow team mates. She and Weiss, after several hours of private arguing and convincing, were going to cosplay as the lead characters from the show.

"Ruby," Weiss said, unsure. "This...is a little revealing, isn't it?"

"Don't you remember the episode where that outfit was introduced? It's _supposed_ to be revealing!" Ruby reasoned, wearing just as little as her girlfriend. "Look at me. I feel fine!"

"Believe me, it'd take a miracle to _not_ look at you," Weiss whispered to herself.

"Hm?"

"N-nothing."

The two of them were standing in the hallway, just outside of their own dorm. Weiss would die from embarrassment if any of their neighbors had been present to see them. Thankfully, most of them were either in classes or out visiting the town. "Blake and Yang are in there, Weiss. Are you ready?" Ruby asked.

"Not really, but I suppose I'll have to be ready."

"We got this! Let's go!" Ruby burst through the door first. "Which one of you jerks killed my dad!" she yelled excitedly, garnering confused and shocked stares from Blake and Yang.

Blake was sitting on her bed reading while Yang was dangling upside down from her top bunk, clearly trying to pester the cat faunus. Both girls had stopped doing what they were doing and were now flabbergasted. Yang fell from her bunk, landing on her back before she stood up. "Ruby Rose!" she yelled, using her maternal voice. "What the hell are you _wearing_?"

Ruby flinched. "You don't like it?"

"I don't like it either," Weiss said as she crept in behind Ruby, trying desperately to save her own dignity and innocence.

"Seriously?" Blake asked. "You're dressed as the girls from _Kill la Kill_?" Indeed they were. Ruby stood proudly in her Senketsu costume as Ryuko, revealing more skin than she usually did, and Weiss was wearing a very accurate, and revealing Junketsu as Satsuki.

Ruby looked sheepishly at Yang; her elder sister's expression made it apparent that she did not approve of her baby sister's lack of apparel. "I...I thought you liked the show," Ruby stated innocently.

"Ruby," Yang sighed. "It was a great show with a lot of great symbolism and moral meaning, _but_ it's not something you should emulate in your _clothes_...especially since every single character has been naked multiple times during the series. Every. Single. One!" She pointed at Weiss. "And you! I want to make fun of you, but I can't help but feel dissapointed in you! You're dating Ruby! You should have been the voice of reason behind this idea!"

Weiss was legitimately shocked; she was being lectured by She pointed at Weiss. "And you! I want to make fun of you, but I can't help but feel dissapointed in you! You're dating Ruby! You should have been the voice of reason behind this idea!"

Weiss was legitimately shocked; she was being lectured by _Yang_. The whole ordeal made her feel ashamed of herself. She was gonna say that she had tried to stop Ruby, but there was no real excuse here. "I...I'm sorry," was all she said as she hung her head.

"Furthermore, I..."

"Why did you two think you could pull those looks off? You don't have the bust," Blake interjected.

Yang growled. "That's not the point, Blake!"

"Wait...what?" Ruby asked Blake.

"No offense, but you're both rather...lacking in the chest. Ruby, you're a B Cup...at best. Weiss...I don't have any way of saying it other than you're as flat as a cutting board," Blake explained to the red and white girls.

Ruby self consciously looked down to her own chest before turning to look at Weiss. The brunette immediately felt a pit form in her stomach as an emotion washed over her: fear. Weiss's face was stern and solid, her eyebrows and her angry frown marking her facial frame as being very cross. Ruby could feel the heiress's aura spike, and it seemed as though Weiss was no longer embarrassed by her costume. She took a motion to step forward.

_Clack_ came the sound of her high heels on the floor.

"You fools!" she declared angrily. Her aura flared, creating a blinding light in the room. "You think that having a larger chest means that you are superior? You dare to make a mockery of I, Weiss Schnee, the Heiress to the Schnee Dust Company, and you insult my _figure_?" She drew Myrtenaster and stabbed the floor in front of her, placing her hands on top of the hilt. "Our busts are not inferior! We are the masters here! Flat is freedom! Small is liberty! Pancakes are truth! Cutting board is _justice_! That is the reality of this world!" She pointed her finger at Blake and then at Yang. "Listen well, you big breasted bimbo's disguised as friends: listen and accept that reality!"

Everyone was in awe, staring at the brilliance that was Weiss. After a moment her bright aura died down and her face became red with embaressment. "Oh my God, did I really just do all of that?" she asked, once more covering herself with her arms and ignoring her rapier still stabbed into the wood floor of their dorm. "I'm so, _so_ sorry. I've always had a complex about my...smallness."

"I love you," Ruby said bluntly, a blissful grin plastered onto her face.

"N-not now."

Yang and Blake were speechless, but after a moment of silence Yang finally laughed. "You seriously _said_ all of that? Pffft~!" She broke out laughing again, this time finding it difficult to catch her breath. "Oh my God! '_Cutting board is justice~!_' Oh, Lord, someone write that crap down!"

"Yang, don't make fun of her," Ruby said. "She's very self conscious about it!"

"Oh, no, I'm _not_ letting this go. Besides, you're still in _big _trouble little lady. I'm half tempted to tell dad." Yang smirked as she saw her sister deflate, feeling defeated. "Weiss, I'd have never thought that you have an issue with itty bitty ti-"

And then came a fist to the throat, followed by a glob of blood exit the mouth that was attached to that throat. "Shut up!" Weiss declared. If one concentrated very, _very_ hard, you could hear the sound of a wrestling bell going off as Yang lost consciousness.

_Ding ding._

* * *

**Author's Note**

Probably one of the dumbest ideas I've ever had. Yes, mildly linked to _Ruby the Closet Otaku_ because reasons. No, not connected to the other_ Helvitica Standard_ stories because _Helvitica Standard_ isn't canon to itself. Two references here: one is clearly to Kill la Kill...the other is to myself!

Sort of.

See, I own Cards Against Humanity, and I have some blank cards (they're all used up by now though.) One night, my buddy Carter decided that he had the BEST idea for a card...and he may have been right. He wrote in secret and slipped it to me and told me not to read it. Lo and behold, i accidentally draw into it during the game...

_"Tyler's itty bitty titty fetish."_ For those of you who either don't know or don't remember...my real name is Tyler.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

And apparently my preference for smaller chests has garnered some attention from my friends. I didn't even know they made jokes about it until that day.

Moral of the story is: don't hate the cutting boards. Cutting boards are justice.

Till next ti...wait, what the hell is going on!?

* * *

**MEANWHILE**

_In a dark room, which eerily looked like a classroom, rested the stuffed, taxidermy models of various Grimm. Standing in the midst of them was a lone, graying man. He turned and stared deep into the reader's soul. "I'm back!" he exclaimed proudly through a mustache._

**Next time on **_**Helvitica Standard...**_

_**The Adventures of Professor Port 2: The Return of Professor Port!**_

**THIS TIME, NO ONE CAN HIDE **_(from that mustache. Good lord, it's alive!)_

Till next time!


	5. My Waifu

Chapter 5: Mai Waifu

A.K.A. _The Adventures of Professor Port 2: The Return of Professor Port! _

_What a peaceful day_, Blake thought as she strolled casually on Beacon's campus. Spring was starting up strong, the weather was warm and clear, and the trees and flowers were once more blooming and full of color. To Blake, it was the perfect Sunday afternoon; no class, plenty of free time, and the desire for fresh air. _Nothing can break this peace_, she thought.

The sound of screaming jarred her, and she turned around in time to see Velvet running franticly. "Please, leave me alone, Cardin!" She cried.

Following closely behind her was the young man in question. "Velvet, my love! Please, just hear me out! I'm sorry~!"

Blake sighed. _Godspeed, Velvet._ Shrugging, she decided that this was Velvet's issue to sort out. The scent of roses filled her nose, and she turned to her left to see the slightly shorter Ruby standing beside her, her arms crossed as she shook her head.

"That poor girl," she said. "Don't you think we should help her?"

Blake simply shrugged. "He's not really hurting her anymore, so it's probably fine."

"_Probably_?"

"Probably," Blake repeated. "I'm getting hungry. Want to go grab a bite to eat?" Ruby nodded and the two girls turned on their heels to start walking towards the cafeteria...

Only to march headlong into someone, knocking both parties on the ground. Blake shook her head, surprised, before she took up first. "I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed. "Are you...alright?" She just now noticed who it was that they bumped into.

"Not a problem, my dear," stated the portly professor Port as he stood and dusted himself off. "I wasn't paying any mind to my own footing as it were. I hope you young ladies weren't injured."

"Er...n-no, I'm fine. Ruby?"

Ruby was on her feet now, looking nervously at Professor Port. "I'm okay!" she blurted. "No broken bones here, no siree!"

"Wonderful! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to my walk. Exercise is very important you know!" He began to walk away from the two girls.

Ruby dropped her head with a sigh. "Ever since his _announcement_ in class, I just can't help but be nervous around him."

Blake nodded. "Yeah. I hate to say it, but he creeps me out now."

Ruby, her head still hung low, noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Glancing at it, she noticed it looked to be a piece of paper, or something similar at least. Picking it up, she noticed it was actually a photograph. "Uh, Blake, I think Professor Port dropped this." The cat faunus looked over Ruby's shoulder to get a good view of the image. It was a photograph of an incredibly beautiful woman with the most heartwarming smile that either girl has ever seen. "Professor Port!" Ruby called across the hall, gaining the man's attention as he made his way back to the girls.

"What can I do for you, girls?" he asked with a mustache filled smile.

"I-I think you dropped this." She handed the photograph to Port slowly.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. Reaching into his pocket, seemingly in search of something, he nodded. "I do believe you are right. Thank you, Miss Rose! I'd have felt terrible if I lost that photo."

"So," Blake interjected. "Who is that woman?"

Proudly placing his hands on his hips, Port smiled as he declared, "My wife!"

"Oh, of course its your wife," Blake replied with a smile. "WAIT!" she realized. "You're _wife_? As in, your spouse? Significant other? A person who _lives_ with you?"

"I didn't know you were married, Professor Port," Ruby said, equally surprised.

"Well, no one ever said I wasn't," Port replied with a smile. "Ah, she is the finest woman I have ever met. I daresay I've been blessed to have married such a wonderful lady!" Reaching into his other shirt pocket, he produced another photograph. "If you require proof, here's one of us together!"

He gingerly handed the huntresses in training the second photo, which Blake accepted carefully, and nervously, as she and Ruby scanned the image. Sure enough, it was Port himself standing next to this amazingly beautiful and dark haired woman. Seated in the middle of them, however, was a small black haired girl. Though she was obviously human, she had a strong but coincidental resemblance to Blake. "Um...who's this?" she asked, pointed at the little girl.

"That's our daughter."

If Ruby had been drinking a small carton of milk right then, she would have made a spit take. Blake returned the photographs to Port and tried to smile. "That's a very nice family photo."

"Such a good girl, my daughter is. She wants to grow up to be like her father! Can you believe that?"

_"I like school girls~!"_ echoed in both Blake's and Ruby's head, and the two girls tried to force the memory from their minds. "W-we'll see you in class tomorrow, Professor!" Ruby exclaimed, wanting to quickly evacuate the scene.

"Enjoy this lovely Sunday, girls! Till tomorrow!" Turning on his heel, Port returned to his leisurely stroll to no place in particular.

All the while, Blake and Ruby were rushing as fast as they could back to their dorms. They got into such a hurry that Blake hopped onto Ruby's back and let the smaller girl use her super speed to race to the dorm in nearly an instant.

From the point of view of those in the dorm, all they saw and heard was a bright red and black blur, a slammed door, and Ruby giving Blake a piggyback ride. "Team Gossip Meeting! Now!" Ruby explained.

Yang stared curiously at the spectacle that was her sister and team mate. "You and Blake are eloping?"

"What? No!" Blake stated as she climbed off of Ruby's back.

"The two of you did something dirty?" Weiss teased, making a rare attempt at sexual humor.

"No!"

"You were _caught_ doing something dirty?" Yang asked.

"NO!" both Ruby and Blake exclaimed.

Weiss shrugged, preoccupied as she cleaned and polished her nails. "Pity. That would have made for some interesting gossip. Nothing interesting happens around here on the weekend."

"Professor Port has a wife!" Ruby exclaimed.

Both Yang and Weiss stopped dead in their tracks, ceasing any prior activities, and sat in complete attention. "Go on," Yang urged.

"He's married to a beautiful woman who looks very, very nice, and he has a daughter who, and I'm quoting him here, '_wants to grow up to be like her father_'. I literally can't even right now."

"God have mercy on that child," Weiss said with a sad look on her face.

"What kind of woman would marry Port?" Yang asked. "Is she aware at how creepily he reeks of sex offender?"

"You make it sound like a brand of cologne when you say it like that," Blake said.

"Yeah, it is! Available on sale at the local penitentiary! Only a onetime payment of twenty-to-life!"

Weiss hushed a giggle. "Eight out of ten, Yang. That one was pretty good."

"Should we, I don't know, call someone? There's no way that woman is willingly married to Port," Ruby added.

The door flew open violently. "Hold it right there!" came the voice of Glynda as she entered. She glanced at the broken door hinges and quickly fixed them with her wand. "Sorry about the dramatic entrance, but I've been knocking for the past ten minutes. You were talking so loud that you couldn't hear me apparently." She glanced at Weiss. "Could you come by my classroom early tomorrow morning? I need some help printing off some tests."

"S-sure," Weiss replied. As the instructor was leaving, offering another apology, Weiss called for her to come back. "Wait, Ms. Goodwitch! Do you know anything about Professor Port's wife?"

The question caught her off guard. "Sure I do. She comes to all the staff parties and gatherings. She was a huntress before she got pregnant with their daughter, and now she's a housewife. Why do you ask?"

"Well," Blake started. "I don't mean to say anything negative about one of our teachers, but Professor Port is just so..._out there_, that we find it hard to believe that someone would willingly marry him."

Glynda gave them a deathly serious glance. "So, you _know_ about his...interests?" The four girls nodded silently. The older woman sighed. "That man really needs to calm down at times. The truth is, she _did_ willingly marry him."

"Really!?" all four members of team RWBY cried out.

"Yup. That woman knows everything about Port, but she has a heart of gold. She overlooks all his flaws and loves him for who he is."

All four girls were shocked. "Y-you mean, she's a friggen _saint_?" Yang asked.

"Pretty much." Glynda shrugged. "See you girls tomorrow. And, sorry again for the intrusion."

Ruby dropped to her knees, feeling physically weak from the revelation. "WHO IS THIS WOMAN?!"

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Good lord, this is so stupid. Having said that, I had some fun writing this one. :D I couldn't help myself. Sure, some elements about it are stupidly stupid, and crazy convenient (Glynda could have just as easily left Weiss a message :P), but, hell, I'm pretty sure when I said that this wasn't supposed to make sense, I knew deep down that I meant every word.

I've been watching alot of super silly anime lately, so I might get some ideas for future Helvitica Standard chapters.

For those of you reading any of my other works, sorry I'm taking so long. I've been laid of from my job for a few weeks now, and during my "two week" visit to my sister's house, me and her decided that I should move in with her so that I could have better financial opportunities in a larger town. Our hometown is in the middle of freaking nowhere, and I've only ever had two jobs while I lived there; nowhere else would hire me because no one was hiring.

So, I'm still getting that sorted out, I'll have to go back to my parents house for the rest of my belongings, but I officially have moved away from my town for good! It feels like my failed freshman year of college all over again, except that I don't want to f**k it up this time!

Till next time! :D


	6. PSA: Patreon!

PSA: Creating Worlds of Adventure, One Word at a Time. (!)

Sorry if I got some hopes up. Nothing new for any stories tonight. My sincerest apologies. Don't worry, I'm currently working on Witch Hunter Ruby, The Downward Spiral, The Melancholy of Jaune Arc, Helvetica Standard, Eternity Rising (yes, that story is still happening), and, yes, I even have some ideas for the next Team RWBY Plays (we gonna go _old school_ in the next chapter!)

But I do have something important to talk about; ! I've been writing for a very long time in my eyes; 11 years. I was ten years old when I first put pen to paper (well, more like finger to keyboard.) Don't worry; _none_ of those stories exist anymore. In that time, I have learned a lot about what my style is, what I like and don't like, how to personify characters and make them feel more real (at least I hope so), and I went from not being able to come up with a decent plot to save my life, all the way to thinking a plot out so much that I want to make myself by the brain. Not the neck; the brain. Don't ask how, but I'm sure I could find a way.

I spent the first six years of my writing trying out different styles, POVs, character archetypes, and plotting methods. 2012 was an interesting year, because unlike most writers I know (which is you lovely people! :D) I did a backwards transition; most start with fan fiction and work their way to original content. I saw fan fiction as a challenge; what would happen if I limited myself to someone else's rules? So, I first delved into fanfiction. My Little Pony fan fiction no less. Don't judge. November, 2013, I discovered RWBY. I don't know why I took as long as I did, since I was already watching Rooster Teeth content, but, eh, better late than never. December, I made this Fanfiction account and started writing RWBY fanfiction. The rest, as they say, is history.

But during all of that, including the last 3 years of fanfiction, I've still been writing original content. I've even been asked by a few of you if you could read it. Sorry, I wasn't able to allow that. I'm sure you've seen a plethora of mistakes in my fanfiction, and the reason for that is because I have no intention of publishing content based on someone else's work. My original work, on the other hand, usually sits on my computer for a very, very long time before I ever deem it worth being read even by one of my near by friends. I'd like to change that. For almost 2 years, I've been sitting on a near complete final draft of a book.

_**Devastation: Book One of the Shifted Universe**_

The first part of my fantasy. My fantasy, which has been in development and imagination for eight years. Eight long years I've been designing, plotting, and setting up for these stories. Now, I feel like it's time to show them to the world.

...

_EXCEPT THAT I CAN'T_.

You see, publishing costs money; that is money that I don't have, nor will I get it from my minimum wage job as the ol' McDs. That's where you guys can come in, if you want.

If you pledge a little bit to my campaign, I can slowly inch my way to finally setting up that publishing. I can pay for the cover art, maybe hire someone to edit it (I am crap at editing), pay for marketing, cover the publishing cost, and maybe have a little left over to pay some bills. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.

Most campaigns offer some sort of bonus to patrons. I would very much like to do that as well. However, I am an idiot and know not what to offer you guys. So, not only would it mean the world to me if you donated, but I would also love to hear what _you_ want! Tell me what you want from me in return, and if it's within the realm of possibility, I'll add it as a goal. Does that sound fair? I hope it does. I'm new at this, so pardon me if I seem somewhat...naive?

You can find my link on my profile page. Please do me a favor and check it out. :D

Well, till next time!

-Tyler M. Terry (HolyOrdersOtaku)


	7. Nice Save!

Nice Save!

A.K.A. Do Your Best, Weiss-chan!

* * *

Some nights, and these nights were very, _very_ rare, but on occasion Ruby would find herself alone in her shared dorm room, away from her friends and team. She wasn't terribly fond of these nights, but the reasoning was impeccable at best. Tonight, in particular, Yang had decided to go and meet with her old friends from her time at Signal; she said something about going out to eat with them or something. Blake, as far as Ruby was concerned, had been kidnapped by Sun for one reason or another. It was probably a date, which Ruby couldn't really complain about, but that was one fewer person she could converse with. Hell, even all of team JNPR had been sent on some sort of mission where they tailed a Huntsman and observed how a Huntsman operates.

That left Weiss, who had went to some gathering of what Ruby jokingly referred to as the Perfect Student Club. She didn't really know what they were doing, but it was something Weiss was happy enough to participate in, and that left Ruby feeling very lonesome. She was supposed to be studying, per Weiss's demanding instruction, but she just couldn't focus with no one around her to talk to. Sighing as she lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling with Zwei resting peacefully beside her, she was suddenly surprised when she her a sudden thud come from her door.

Ruby arched an eyebrow and leapt from her perched bed to investigate the sudden sound. Opening the door, she found herself face to face with the heiress. Her white jacket hung loosely off of one shoulder, her face was beat red, and in her hands was a box of chocolate. "H~ey!" she said with slightly slurred speech.

Ruby raised an eyebrow. "Uh, Weiss? You okay?"

"Why? What's it matter to you?" she shot back angrily.

Ruby shook her head. "N-nothing. You just seem sort of...off."

Weiss stumbled into the room, allowing Ruby to close the door. Weiss pointed a finger at the younger girl and said, "I'll have you know that I, _blurrrrgp_, ugh, was perfectly capable of opening the door on my own."

Ruby stared wide eyed at Weiss. "Wow. Ten out of ten. That was an impressive burp. You sure you're okay? Normally you, you know, _don't _burp. Or when you do, it's really, really, _really_ tiny and you say 'excuse me'. Which you didn't do just now."

Weiss simply stared back at Ruby for several seconds in silence before she slowly raised her arm into another pointing motion. "I haven't a~~~~ clue as to what you're talking about." She opened the box and ate a piece of chocolate from it before offering it to Ruby. "You want shum?" she asked with a chocolate in her mouth. "I know you like sweets."

Ruby accepted the box, but opted to not eat any of it. _Something's weird here,_ she thought. She read the label on the box. _Blah blah blah, assorted chocolates and chocolate covered nuts, blah blah blah, contains..._ "Oh," she said at last. "Uh, Weiss, are you aware that this contains alcohol? Says here it's got two percent alcohol per chocolate."

Weiss shrugged. "They don't regulate that st~~~~~uff until it gets beyond a certain point. You ca~~n't get drunk from just two percent."

"How many did you eat?"

Weiss paused and raised a hand to slowly count on her fingers. _This is not a good sign._ "I don't remember."

Ruby opened the box. Out of twenty chocolates, only seven remained. "You're drunk."

"Am not."

"You're drunk from candy, and you can't hold your liquor, even in small amounts it seems."

"Ru~~by, I swear to drunk I'm not God~!"

"You just proved my point, you know."

"Ruby, please! I can't be drunk! I'm only fourteen!" Weiss defended.

Ruby resisted the urge to laugh. "Weiss, you're seventeen."

Ignoring her leader, Weiss continued in her spiel. "I'm too young to have that ki~~~nd of alcohol! But I am old enough to do other things! I'm independent! I don't need my father! I can even bathe by myself!"

"Okay," Ruby said worriedly. "How old do you think you are again?"

Weiss went quiet as she pondered the question. "Five and a half!" she said triumphantly. Ruby smirked, holding in her laughter. "It's true! I _can_ bathe by myself! I don't need any help at all, and I'll show you!"

Ruby's eyes shot wide open. "You'll show me _what_?" Without missing a beat, Weiss began to strip. "Gah~!" Ruby exclaimed, frozen in place. First the jacket fell, and then soon fell the dress that Weiss always wore. She kicked her feet violently to remove her heeled boots, and Weiss stood in her underwear. "Weiss, stop!"

"No!" Without unfastening it, Weiss reached to remove her bra.

Ruby, left with few options, simply yelled, "Zwei!"

Zwei barked once and leapt at Weiss. Almost as soon as her bra came off, Zwei stuck himself, somehow, to her torso as a furry form of censorship. Ruby gave a quick thumbs up to the dog. "Nice save!"

Weiss paid him no mind as she started to remove her panties. Without waiting for a command from his owner, he stretched his body to cover up the heiress's nether region. Ruby wasn't sure how her favorite pet was accomplishing this amazing feat of censorship, but she couldn't help but approve. There stood Weiss, naked and conveniently covered by a dog to protect her decency. Without saying a word, she marched to the bathroom to take a bath with the dog still attached to her. Zwei poked his head out from over her should to look at Ruby. Ruby simply waved at him and stood there, dumfounded.

* * *

The next morning, Weiss rolled over in her bed and groaned. Her head ached worse than anything she'd ever felt before. "W-what happened?" she asked aloud.

Ruby stood near her bed with a slight smile. "Good morning, princess," she said teasingly.

"Morning?" Weiss asked. "Where'd my evening go? I remember going to the study group, and then..." Before she could finish her sentence, Ruby forced the blinds open. Blinding sunlight reached her eyes, and she quickly covered her head with her blanket as her headache became worse. "Ruby! Close the blinds! Make the light shut up!"

Yang approached. "Weiss okay? She sounds hungover."

Ruby nodded with a smile. "She is." She produced the box of chocolate for her sister to inspect. Yang read the label once and started laughing.

"You, hahaha, you got _drunk_ on chocolate that only contained _two percent alcohol?_" She fell to the floor laughing.

"Yang, please, _stop_ laughing. You're making it worse," Weiss said. "Oh, God help me. I'm never touching alcohol ever again, regardless of what form it takes!"

Ruby smirked. "Well, at least your dressed when your sober, so you've got that going for you."

The room went silent for a few minutes as the girls awaited to hear Weiss's response.

Finally, she sighed. "What did I do?"

* * *

**Author's Note**

This concept comes from an episode of _A Comic Artist and his Assistants_. Great mini series of an anime. Would recommend. I really wanted to use the "Does this turn you on, Oni-chan?" scene, but it's literally less than 3 seconds long. (_IT TURNS ME ON~! _ is a great reply to that question, by the way.)

Leave a review if you'd be so kind, and let me know what you think. Check out my other stories and what not. Maybe be really cool and help me out over at . Your choice.

Side note: Users of /r/RWBY...if today has taught me anything, it's that we are _all_ Curay, for Curay is a part of all of us...apparently. I don't know how to feel about that.

Till next time! :D


End file.
